TIP 1: Do Not Talk To Her As If She Is One of
The Guys.
Listen to guy buddies talk about anything for more than five minutes
and you likely will hear one of them let the other know that he is an idiot.
When men talk with their male friends, they tend to be direct or even
argumentative. They share their opinions freely and bluntly. They jokingly
insult each other. They blast anything the other guy says that they do not like
or agree with. They rarely stop to think, “Am I being insensitive? Could I
possibly be hurting his feelings?” The guy code is to let the chips fall where
they may.
Women are NOT like that.
If a husband talks with his wife in the same manner he talks with his
buddies, his directness, bluntness, or argumentativeness may well cause her to
feel disrespected or controlled. He thinks he is being honest and forthright.
She feels he is being a jerk.
If you really want to be a better husband, understand that women speak
a different language. Unless you learn to speak that language, you will never
communicate on the deeper levels with her.
TIP 2: Make Sure That She Does Not Perceive You
As Controlling.
The most common complaint we hear from women in our workshops for
marriages in crisis is that their husbands try to control them. Interestingly,
the husband usually counters with his view that she is the controlling one.
Eyes open and behavior changes only when each person realizes that his
or her motive is NOT the most important thing; it is what the other person perceives
that matters. In marriages in which the man actually is controlling, he
typically has no clue that he is because that is not his conscious intent. By
speaking his mind, criticizing her when she does not comply with his thinking,
and arguing with her to get his point across, he believes he is treating her
well. There is no motive to hurt. He may actually believe his intent is to
help.
Many wives finally give up and give in when that happens. The husband
may think he convinced her to view things his way. Most of the time, it is
anything but that. Tired of the conflict and feeling she is being treated as an
inferior, she yields simply to stop the conflict. That builds resentment within
her and with time, resentment detonates. In a non-published survey of married
couples done in 2008, 21% of wives stated that their satisfaction with their
husbands as a mate had decreased because he is controlling, disrespectful, and
argues.
To make sure your wife does NOT feel that you control her, concentrate
on her feelings about what you say and do. If she genuinely feels that you
treat her as your equal, you are doing it correctly.
TIP
3: Romance Is What She Really Wants.
In the same survey referred to above, 27% of wives stated that their
level of sexual satisfaction had decreased because their husbands were not
romantic, and that sex had become routine and boring.
While
humans – both male and female – have need for sexual fulfillment, it appears
that men may be more satisfied by the frequency of sex, but women may be more
satisfied by the emotional relationship in sex. To be a better husband, think
about becoming a Don Juan for your wife. Court her. Think of new and different
scenarios that PRECEDE your sexual interaction. Make her feel wonderful about
herself and make sex exciting not just by technique, but also by touching her
heart first.
TIP 4: Listening Is The Key To Her Heart.
Few people – men or women – feel that anyone truly listens to them. If
you wish to change the way your wife perceives you, increase her sexual
satisfaction, and become in her mind the best man on earth, listen to her.
That means that you do not interrupt her with your stories, your
thoughts on what she just said, or by changing the subject. Listen to her heart
as well as her words. As she talks ask yourself, “What is she feeling as she
tells me this?” Even more importantly, ask yourself, “What is the message she
really wants me to hear?” Once she knows that you are genuinely interested in
her views, thoughts, and feelings, you can actually ask her those questions.
However, do NOT ask them until you know that she knows that you are trying to
understand her, not correct her.
This one thing can change you into a better husband in one month: Each
day spend at least a half-hour just listening to your wife talk. Turn off the
TV, cellphones, and radios. Find a place where there are no distractions,
including interruptions from your children. Look directly into her eyes, and
then ask a couple questions to get her started. Comment only if she asks, or if
you want better to understand something she just said. Show her that you enjoy
hearing her talk, no matter how trivial the subject, because it helps you
understand her better and love her more.
TIP 5: Time Matters.
The old adage – which is not that old – that “quality time is more
important than quantity of time” is ridiculous. Allowing work, hobbies, or
other interests to keep you from spending time with your wife will, with time,
deaden emotions.
You may have heard “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” From my
experience with thousands of couples, I think the more accurate axiom is
“absence makes the heart grow fonder for someone else.”
Make
time just for the two of you. It will not happen if you do not make it happen.
Plan it and do it.
TIP 6: Be Her Support, Not Her Father.
The next time your wife comes home complaining about how someone
treated her, do NOT tell her what she should have done, tell her what she
should do, or offer to go deal with the problem yourself. Instead, listen,
understand what she feels, and then give her the “poor baby.”
The “poor baby” is just what it sounds like. Let her know she has a
right to feel hurt and that you are sorry it happened to her.
Unless she asks your opinion, or asks you to deal with the problem, do
NOT offer to do so. You are not her father; you are her husband. Treat her as
your equal. If she complains about a situation, your job is to listen, let her
know you are on HER side (even if you think she did not handle things
correctly, or that it was her fault) and that you are always there to support
her. More than likely, she wants to forget the incident, but she needs
validation that she has a right to feel hurt or angry. Give it to her.
TIP 7: Keep Growing.
No
husband or wife reaches perfection in his or her roles. There will be plenty of
times throughout your marriage when you will make mistakes, say the wrong
thing, or leave your dirty underwear lying on the bedroom floor. It happens to
the best of husbands. But it is important to not let those moments of blunders
define your marriage. Use every opportunity you can to continue to grow closer
to your wife and learn more about her wants, needs, desires, and aspirations.
Keep learning and growing. Just like a fine wine or aged cheese, marriage gets
better over the years. (Collected)
See also: 8 Ways to Make Sex More Fun
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